See the blood? I just killed Raquel Welch.
Which is the best prehistoric lost world adventure ever filmed? Is it One Million Years B.C. with Raquel Welch or When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth with Victoria Vetri? Don't get us wrong. Both are complete bullshit. Both show humans and dinosaurs living together, which never happened unless you're a fundamentalist who believes what you see in biblical museums. But apart from the scientific silliness of both movies, which is best? It's a question like Beatles versus Stones, California white versus Spanish red, or Kanye West versus Anderson Paak. It shows who you are. What you're made of. We're going with Vetri and Ruled the Earth, because the filming of Dinosaurs was basically a longform orgy and Vetri admits it. Also she shot her terrible husband in the chest, and we guess the only reason she used a gun was because her spear was in the other room. Total badass. This photo is from 1970.
The dinosaurs aren't the only ones with small brains.
1960s and 1970s lost world movies like When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth are fun, but just lately they're also a reminder that—despite all geological, biological, paleontological and, for that matter, just plain logical proof to the contrary—a lot of people actually believe humans co-existed with dinosaurs. Well, this movie is for them, and as a bonus everyone in it is white, which of course we know was the case in the prehistoric past. But does homogeneity bring harmony to the planet? No, because Victoria Vetri is a ravishing blonde whose differences from the brunette tribe she encounters initially make her a perfect sacrifice candidate, and later a potential mate for one of the men. This annoys the hell out of the brunette women, and thence sparks fly and deeper troubles develop.
In its own way When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth is better than the more famous One Million Years B.C., and in her own way Victoria Vetri is better than the more famous Raquel Welch. That may sound a bit crazy, but in terms of quality note that the two films have very similar scores on IMDB—5.8 versus 5.2—and in terms of lead actresses Vetri gets naked whereas Welch does not. Is it okay to say that? Well, we're a bit caveman-like ourselves, so blame it on our primitive brains. Anyway, both movies are fun, if scientifically preposterous, but When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth is cheaper, which makes it funnier, and in turn means it's a perfect popcorn and beer flick. Watch it and laugh. It premiered in England in October 1970 and rampaged across Japan today in 1971. I am called Sanna. I come from across the great sea and represent a new evolutionary stage in personal grooming.
You fake blonde bitch. You better get your eyes off my man before I yank them out of your head and eat them on a cracker.
Shit. I really wanted to make friends with everyone. Sometimes being astoundingly beautiful is really hard.
So Tara, where's your girlfriend? Oh well, doesn't matter. Tara sounds a little like a girl’s name. And Ayak sounds like a boy’s name. Maybe you two should swap names. Is your cave near here?
Just to warn you, Sanna, kissing and foreplay don’t exist yet, so you're just gonna have to figure out some way to get your lady parts ready for this.
Oh, and I don't have a bed. Do you have those where you’re from? They’re really expensive here. I’m thinking of maybe buying a futon instead.
Hah hah, something about that golden muff of yours just makes me smile. I don't even know why...
Maybe this isn’t the time or place to mention it, but I’ve been seeing the blonde. We’re maybe gonna buy a condo. I want my engagement bone back.
Blonde bitch stole my man! Her hair is that color because of evil magic! She thinks brunettes are violent and stupid! Brothers and sisters, we must sacrifice her!
And fuck you, Tara! What kind of name is that for a caveman anyway? Sounds like a girl’s name! And I’m keeping my engagement bone. I earned this!
I think this crazy chick really intends to see us dead, Sanna. I should have broken up with her that time she tried to stab me in the groin with a sharpened wolf's femur. We better run.
Okay, you’re right—I owned a secret raft so I could enjoy a little discreet entertaining on the side. Sue me. It’s helping us get away, right? Anyway, since I met you I don’t need other women.
Why do I have this horrible feeling he’s telling me a lie men will use even 10,000 years from now?
But just Imogen the possibilities.
With the above, we’ve now given about as much exposure to a terrible film as can be excused. The photo shows British actress Imogen Hassall from When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, and the shot was made during that epic’s filming in the Canary Islands in 1969. Some may remember the movie premiering in late 1970 in England and 1971 elsewhere, but it languished in the studio vaults for a while. Actually, the entire shoot was a circus. Here’s co-star Victoria Vetri, speaking to journalist Joe Vannicola about filming the movie on Fuerteventura: “Two weeks after we were there the director left his wife. He was sleeping with the script supervisor. It was like you could have made a movie within a movie. Everybody was screwing around. People were skinny dipping, drinking sangria instead of tea at four in the afternoon, getting drunk [constantly], and it was like party time. Three or four in the morning they’d say, ‘You have to be up at six for a sunrise shoot? Let's stay up all night!’ [snip] Of course, having [me] around didn't help because I was the first one to drop a loincloth. And all the girls between shots were getting a tan. After a while it didn’t faze anybody. When you’re all sitting around half naked it doesn’t matter.” So the above photo may actually be the overdressed Hassall. We approve in any case.
Get your minds out of the gutter. It’s Latin for “with honor.”
Above is a shot of Polish actress Magda Konopka, who appeared in such b-classics as Satanik, Diabolicamente... Letizia, and the legendarily chaotic (as in copious infidelities among cast and crew, constant skinny-dipping, and all night sangria binges) lost world production When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth. This image appeared in Girl Illustrated around 1970, more or less right in the middle of what for Konopka would be an eighteen-year film career
It’s called dancing, silly. It’s fun! I just invented it, and in the future women will judge men entirely by whether they’re willing to take lessons in it.
We found some film stills from the 1970 caveman epic When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, and thought they’d be a good share for today. The movie starred Magda Konopka, Victoria Vetri, Imogen Hassall, and a cast of loinclothed others, and even though it has worse science than what you’d find in a Kentucky creationism museum, we’ll buy the idea of prehistoric women in fur bikinis any day when they look like this group. More stills below. They all beg for captions, but we're short of time, so you'll have to write your own.
Scientists now believe the first push-up bra was invented in 5,000 B.C.
Creationism has made it clear that humans and dinosaurs coexisted. We’ve always concurred with this crackpot theory because we love the idea that the human struggle for survival was really an episode of The Flintstones. Today, thanks to this promo shot from When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, we’ve learned that prehistoric times were not only slapstick fun, but sexy too. In fact, these tiny fur bikinis are probably the most Intelligent Designs ever. Now if we could just see Wilma in one our fantasies would be complete.
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