Vintage Pulp Jun 13 2016
YOU GOTTI BE KIDDING
Colleen Brennan headlines history's worst mafia flick.

These two promos were made for the Japanese premiere of Mafia Girls, aka Love, Lust, and Violence, a grindhouse production that starred porn actress Colleen Brennan working under the name Sara Bloom and remaining fully garbed until the last three minutes. How do we describe this one? Plotwise, a general and member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff calls on a badass ex-soldier to take on the Chicago mafia, a motley crew that spends most hours of the day either watching live porno or getting blowjobs in a massage parlor. The movie is visually ambitious yet totally inept, which is a difficult combo to achieve, but director Norbert Meisel, a cast of b-grade co-stars, and several disinterested porno queens botch matters to such a degree that a comedic classic is the result. Imagine sweat, sideburns, semi-erect dicks, and pear-shaped bodies mixed with bad technical execution from acting to Z, and you'll have an idea what to expect. We cannot recommend this, but it provided some killer laughs. Mafia Girls premiered today in 1975, and its censored Japanese release occurred some years later.

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Vintage Pulp Jun 12 2016
FINDING HIMSELF
You're always in the last place you look.


The war, a grenade, a head wound, and a case of amnesia bring a vet to Los Angeles in search of his identity. The only clue he has is the name of a presumed associate, not a nice guy, which makes the hero fearful, because who associates with not-nice guys but other not-nice guys? The main problem with Somewhere in the Night isn't that the amnesiac soon learns, as even a casual viewer would suspect from the beginning, that he and the not-nice associate are one and the same. The problem is that the script never provides for another possibility. This makes for minimal suspense, a sin compounded by dialogue that crosses the line from hard boiled into ridiculous—like in this exchange:

Friend: “Something smells bad, believe me. It's in the air—like an earthquake. Don't stand too close. Don't get hurt.”

Heroine: “I'm the girl with the cauliflower heart.”

Friend: "You think. You're as tough as a love song. You've got your face turned up and your eyes closed, waiting to be kissed.”
 
This is a little out there even by the standards of 1940s melodramas. Classics like Casablanca and Gilda didn't get too hip with the lingo, and that's a big reason why those movies remain scintillating today. Somewhere in the Night wears its age poorly. Blame not only its overly slangy dialogue, but the lame plot, wooden performances from the supporting cast, and an uninspiring John Hodiak in the lead. But the poster is an absolute killer. 
 


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Vintage Pulp Jun 11 2016
THE HORNDOGS OF WAR
That's fine, mister—I want the other one anyway. Before the school got bombed she was my sex ed teacher.


This cover depicting a grown man and a pre-teen boy browsing a pair of working girls is kind of creepy, we know, but it's also well executed. Originally titled A Convoy Through the Dream and published in 1948, Torment appeared in this Popular Library edition in 1953. Author Scott Graham Williamson tries for Hemingway with a story set in various sites around the Mediterranean during World War II, including Gibraltar, Algeria, and particularly Palermo, Sicily. Basically, a radio officer on a warship and his wife try to maintain their love and fidelity in a time of chaos and separation. This comes complete with that familiar war novel plot device—one last incredibly dangerous mission before the hero can go back home. The cover art is uncredited.

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Vintage Pulp Jun 10 2016
BREAST FEEDING
They say it's healthier but we have our doubts.


Did the dogs-eat-humans headline from last week's National Star Chronicle strike you as unusual? It wasn't. Tabloids and dogs have a long relationship, as this issue of National Mirror published today in 1969 proves by dragging another group of blameless pooches into the messy dealings of human beings. While we're on the subject, let's not forget that humans-eat-dogs headlines also made occasional appearances, such as here. More National Mirror to come later. 

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Vintage Pulp Jun 9 2016
MERCY RULE
I know what the damn island is called! Lemme go! After I kill him we'll change the name!


Novels set in South Florida and the Keys are basically a sub-genre of popular literature today, but Theodore Pratt was one of the earlier writers to continually set his work there, using the area for thirty-five novels. Mercy Island involves a group—local captain, youthful crewman, hard-headed sportsman, and beautiful wife—who are stranded  on a deserted island when their fishing boat runs aground. But the island isn't empty. It's occupied by a man with a criminal past who has been hiding out there to dodge the law. As tensions rise and food runs short it becomes less clear who is the real danger to the group. Originally written in 1941, the book was immediately made into a hit movie starring Ray Middleton, Gloria Dickson, and Otto Kruger. This Dell paperback appeared in 1954 with uncredited cover art.

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Vintage Pulp Jun 8 2016
LESSONS LEARNED
Nakagawa demonstrates the benefits of one-on-one teaching.


Above, a promo poster for Danjo Seiji-gaku: Kojin jugyo, aka Man & Woman Sexology: Private Lessons. Haven't seen this one, but reviews exist online, if you can read Japanese or are inclined to use Google translate. Basically, it's about an impotent man who rescues a woman from an assault in a park, and her subsequent attempts to sexually rejuvenate him. Starring Rie Nakagawa, Danjo Seiji-gaku: Kojin jugyo premiered today in 1974.

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Vintage Pulp Jun 7 2016
A TAIL TOLD BY IDIOTS
Raquel Welch's global hit One Million Years B.C. spawns another bad imitation.
 
 
There's little to say about When Women Had Tails. It's terrible Italian slapstick, complete with pratfalls and camel flatulence, punctuating a story dealing with a group of isolated cavemen who discover their first woman—Senta Berger. They want to roast and eat her, but she convinces one of them there are other satisfactions she can provide. We imagine this involves a little eating too, and the movie would be better if it showed something along those lines, but no such luck. Blame Raquel Welch for this fiasco, because once again this is an attempt to replicate the formula of her smash hit One Million Years B.C.—a bad attempt, far worse than When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, which we talked about recently. If you truly desire you can watch When Women Had Tails on YouTube here. It takes a full twenty-one minutes of idiotic slapstickery for the cavemen to finally come across Berger, but after that the movie is watchable, we think. It premiered in Italy as Quando le donne avevano la coda in October 1970, and had its U.S. unveiling today in 1973. Bad as it is, we can't resist these prehistoric fantasies, and we'll forge ahead bravely to the next. 
 


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Vintage Pulp Jun 6 2016
PLENTY OF BLAM TO GO AROUND
Future cat shows her slinky side for Horwitz.


It's another Horwitz Publications celeb paperback. You know the drill by now—the Aussie publisher licenses (or just appropriates) the image of an up-and-coming star for their Carter Brown series. We've already shown you what they did with Joan Collins, Senta Berger and Elke Sommer. Do you recognize the woman on the front of 1959's amusingly titled Blonde, Beautiful, and – Blam!? Take a sec. No? It's everyone's favorite Catwoman Julie Newmar, seen at age twenty-six when she was still going by Julie Newmeyer, and it's one of the rare images of her with close-cropped hair. Just so you believe us, there she is at right, looking a bit more recognizable. Check out the other Horwitz celeb covers here, here, and here.

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Vintage Pulp Jun 5 2016
BURN NOTICE
The kids are definitely not alright.

Back to Mexico today with this cover of the Mexican true crime magazine Mundo Policiaco, which appeared on newsstands this week in 1964. The text, “Mis hijos se estan quemando,” means “My kids are burning.” Mundo Policiaco came at the tail end of an era of true crime magazines that launched during the 1930s and 1940s with Magazine de policia, Policia, and the amazing Detectives, which we've shown you here and here. You can see another Mundo Policiaco here.

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Vintage Pulp Jun 4 2016
SILENT BUT DEADLY
Dean Martin gives James Bond a spin—of the bottle.

Above, a Japanese program book for The Silencers, first film in the Matt Helm series about a constantly drinking government agent, starring Dean Martin in a role perfect for his boozing partyboy persona, along with Stella Stevens, Daliah Lavi, Nancy Kovack, and Cyd Charisse. That's Larri Thomas in a towering up-do on the front cover. She's in the film for probably ninety seconds, sadly. Whether you enjoy the rest of it will depend on whether you find the smarmy Martin charming—and can tolerate his cheeseball crooning. The Silencers premiered in the U.S. in February 1966 and hit Japan today in 1966. 

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History Rewind
The headlines that mattered yesteryear.
June 25
2009—Farrah Fawcett Dies
American actress Farrah Fawcett, who started as a model but became famous after one season playing detective Jill Munroe on the television show Charlie's Angels, dies after a long battle with cancer.
June 24
1938—Chicora Meteor Lands
In the U.S., above Chicora, Pennsylvania, a meteor estimated to have weighed 450 metric tons explodes in the upper atmosphere and scatters fragments across the sky. Only four small pieces are ever discovered, but scientists estimate that the meteor, with an explosive power of about three kilotons of TNT, would have killed everyone for miles around if it had detonated in the city.
June 23
1973—Peter Dinsdale Commits First Arson
A fire at a house in Hull, England, kills a six year old boy and is believed to be an accident until it later is discovered to be a case of arson. It is the first of twenty-six deaths by fire caused over the next seven years by serial-arsonist Peter Dinsdale. Dinsdale is finally captured in 1981, pleads guilty to multiple manslaughter, and is detained indefinitely under Britain's Mental Health Act as a dangerous psychotic.

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