REPTILE DYSFUNCTION

The dinosaurs aren't the only ones with small brains.

1960s and 1970s lost world movies like When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth are fun, but just lately they’re also a reminder that—despite all geological, biological, paleontological and, for that matter, just plain logical proof to the contrary—a lot of people actually believe humans co-existed with dinosaurs. Well, this movie is for them, and as a bonus everyone in it is white, which of course we know was the case in the prehistoric past. But does homogeneity bring harmony to the planet? No, because Victoria Vetri is a ravishing blonde whose differences from the brunette tribe she encounters initially make her a perfect sacrifice candidate, and later a potential mate for one of the men. This annoys the hell out of the brunette women, and thence sparks fly and deeper troubles develop.

In its own way When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth is better than the more famous One Million Years B.C., and in her own way Victoria Vetri is better than the more famous Raquel Welch. That may sound a bit crazy, but in terms of quality note that the two films have very similar scores on IMDB—5.8 versus 5.2—and in terms of lead actresses Vetri gets naked whereas Welch does not. Is it okay to say that? Well, we’re a bit caveman-like ourselves, so blame it on our primitive brains. Anyway, both movies are fun, if scientifically preposterous, but When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth is cheaper, which makes it funnier, and in turn means it’s a perfect popcorn and beer flick. Watch it and laugh. It premiered in England in October 1970 and rampaged across Japan today in 1971.

I am called Sanna. I come from across the great sea and represent a new evolutionary stage in personal grooming.
 
You fake blonde bitch. You better get your eyes off my man before I yank them out of your head and eat them on a cracker.
 
Shit. I really wanted to make friends with everyone. Sometimes being astoundingly beautiful is really hard.
 
So Tara, where’s your girlfriend? Oh well, doesn’t matter. Tara sounds a little like a girl’s name. And Ayak sounds like a boy’s name. Maybe you two should swap names. Is your cave near here?
 
Just to warn you, Sanna, kissing and foreplay don’t exist yet, so you’re just gonna have to figure out some way to get your lady parts ready for this.
 
Oh, and I don’t have a bed. Do you have those where you’re from? They’re really expensive here. I’m thinking of maybe buying a futon instead.
 
Hah hah, something about that golden muff of yours just makes me smile. I don’t even know why…
 
Maybe this isn’t the time or place to mention it, but I’ve been seeing the blonde. We’re maybe gonna buy a condo. I want my engagement bone back.
 
Blonde bitch stole my man! Her hair is that color because of evil magic! She thinks brunettes are violent and stupid! Brothers and sisters, we must sacrifice her!
 
And fuck you, Tara! What kind of name is that for a caveman anyway? Sounds like a girl’s name! And I’m keeping my engagement bone. I earned this!
 
I think this crazy chick really intends to see us dead, Sanna. I should have broken up with her that time she tried to stab me in the groin with a sharpened wolf’s femur. We better run.
 
Okay, you’re right—I owned a secret raft so I could enjoy a little discreet entertaining on the side. Sue me. It’s helping us get away, right? Anyway, since I met you I don’t need other women.
 
Why do I have this horrible feeling he’s telling me a lie men will use even 10,000 years from now?
 
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The headlines that mattered yesteryear.

1935—Parker Brothers Buys Monopoly

The board game company Parker Brothers acquires the forerunner patents for Monopoly from Elizabeth Magie, who had designed the game (originally called The Landlord’s Game) to demonstrate the economic ill effects of land monopolism and the use of land value tax as a remedy for them. Parker Brothers quickly turns Monopoly into the biggest selling board game in America.

1991—Gene Tierney Passes Away

American actress Gene Tierney, one of the great beauties in Hollywood history and star of the seminal film noir Laura, dies in Houston, Texas of emphysema. Tierney had begun smoking while young as a way to help lower her high voice, and was hooked on cigarettes the rest of her life.

1937—Hitler Reveals His Plans for Lebensraum

Adolf Hitler holds a secret meeting with Nazi officials and states his intention to acquire “lebensraum,” or living space for Germany. An old German concept that dated from 1901, Hitler had written of it in Mein Kampf, and now possessed the power to implement it. Basically the idea, as Hitler saw it, was for the Nazis to kill, deport, or enslave the Polish, Russian and other Slavic populations to the east, whom they considered inferior, and to repopulate those lands with a Germanic upper class.

1991—Fred MacMurray Dies

American actor Fred MacMurray dies of pneumonia related to leukemia. While most remember him as a television actor, earlier in his career he starred in 1944’s Double Indemnity, one of the greatest films noir ever made.

1955—Cy Young Dies

American baseball player Cy Young, who had amassed 511 wins pitching for five different teams from 1890 to 1911, dies at the age of 88. Today Major League Baseball’s yearly award given to the best pitcher of each season is named after Young.

1970—Feral Child Found in Los Angeles

A thirteen year-old child who had been kept locked in a room for her entire life is found in the Los Angeles house of her parents. The child, named Genie, could only speak twenty words and was not able even to walk normally because she had spent her life strapped to a potty chair during the day and bound in a sleeping bag at night. Genie ended up in a series of foster homes and was given language training but after years of effort by various benefactors never reached a point where she could interact normally in society.

Uncredited cover art for Lesbian Gym by Peggy Swenson, who was in reality Richard Geis.
T’as triché marquise by George Maxwell, published in 1953 with art by Jacques Thibésart, also known as Nik.

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