Have you noticed the uptick in talk about UFOs the last couple of months? The subject is being discussed on websites like Scientific American and BBC, in the pages of publications like the New York Times, and even in the corridors of power in in Washington, D.C., where a while back Congress demanded that the Pentagon produce a report on the subject. Donald Trump and Barack Obama have talked about it. Retired Nevada Senator Harry Reid even went so far as to say that weapons manufacturer Lockheed Martin may have fragments of a crashed UFO in its possession.
All we have to say is here we go again. We know a lot of people really believe in the existence of alien UFOs, but here’s when we’ll believe: when one arrives, an alien climbs out and says. “Greetings, Earthling. Take me to your leader. We ask because we couldn’t figure out which of you is in charge of this clusterfuck.” Let us be clear. We aren’t
UFO agnostics. Agnostic would be to neither believe nor disbelieve—in other words to cop out. We’re UFO atheists. When the only alleged evidence consists of hearsay, anecdotes, blurry photos of pie tins on strings, and indistinct FLIR footage, we feel safe saying they don’t exist.
UFO agnostics. Agnostic would be to neither believe nor disbelieve—in other words to cop out. We’re UFO atheists. When the only alleged evidence consists of hearsay, anecdotes, blurry photos of pie tins on strings, and indistinct FLIR footage, we feel safe saying they don’t exist.The idea of UFO sightings being legit hinges upon numerous assumptions. That aliens have the ability to come to our vicinity. That they have the ability to come to our vicinity and want to observe us. That they want to observe us and prefer to do it up close rather than from a vast distance. That they want to observe us up close rather than from a vast distance and aren’t interested in disguising themselves. That they aren’t interested in disguising themselves and don’t care what effect that might have on us. And that their up close methods of observation would be detectable to us in the first place. Think stealth or nanotechnology. We human doofuses already have the basics of those figured out. Aliens would have the capability to observe us by using machines the size of gnats, a far more likely option than soaring around the sky chased by F-35s.
The list of assumptions UFO believers gloss over goes on, but the biggest problem, in our view, is that aliens could learn far more about us from our broadcasts and data emissions than in person. Even our detection and defense capabilities, assuming 
they wanted to understand those, would be easier to learn from intercepting and decrypting the code through which they operate, rather than with field encounters. And surely none of us think super-advanced aliens wouldn’t be able to break military encryptions?
they wanted to understand those, would be easier to learn from intercepting and decrypting the code through which they operate, rather than with field encounters. And surely none of us think super-advanced aliens wouldn’t be able to break military encryptions?They could also, from millions of miles away, decipher our languages, observe our many warring cultures, ponder our crazy taboos, note our hundreds of fanciful religions, puzzle over our destruction of the very environment we need in order to survive, be horrified over our caste systems based on the presence of a pigmenting chemical in our skin cells, and be astounded over the fact that most of the above is true because we’ve created a global system that elevates and rewards ruthless, dangerous people. All the major tribes of Earth (U.S., Russia, China, et al) are led by people prone to violence. Would aliens really want to bother with creatures like that?
So while we keep up with UFO reporting—as required by our status as a pulp website—we don’t believe aliens are the cause. If they’re anything, they’re advanced drones. But the alien UFO stories will keep coming. We think humans, or at least some humans, will believe even the most outlandish fantasy if it makes them feel good, or makes them feel frightened or outraged. If you doubt that the latter is true, just ponder the epochally sad fact that fantasies about a pedophile ring in a Washington D.C. pizza parlor have had an indelible effect on American politics. In short—people are amazingly gullible. Despite anything Harry Reid says, we don’t think Lockheed has alien UFO bits in a top secret warehouse.
All that said, we also do not believe humans are alone in the cosmos. Scientifically, the assumption that we’re alone makes no sense. Plus wouldn’t that be utterly depressing, the idea that we’re the smartest creatures in the universe? We’re hanging off a cliff edge like Indiana Jones, groping for a stray tree root to save us as our sacks of gold threaten to pull us to our doom. If nuclear war and global heating don’t send us hurtling into the abyss, resource depletion and social collapse will. The system we put in place to deliver prosperity is now eating the foundations that enabled it to stand in the first place. We can’t be the smartest beings in the universe. We think aliens exist—but immeasurably far across the cosmos. And if we’re wrong, and they’re actually among us, all we can say is: reveal yourselves, and please help.
