Vintage Pulp

March 19 2025

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!

Is there no one else? Is there no one else!

We mashed up rhetorical questions from sword and sandal epics there. “Are you not entertained?” is from Russell Crowe’s Gladiator, while, “Is there no one else?” is from Brad Pitt’s Troy. But the above poster is for a movie not as good as either of those. It was put together for the Egyptian run of the Dan Vadis headlined adventure Ercole l’invincibile, which was originally made in Italy and known in English as Hercules the Invicible, Hercules Against the Elephants’ Empire, and The Sons of Hercules in the Land of Darkness. Today it’s just unknown. In Egypt it was called in Arabic The Famous Hercules. They’ve probably forgotten it there too. You’ll notice the poster has a secondary English title: Hercole the Conqueror. Since the character of Hercules was not known as Hercole in English, we can’t even begin to explain that. But we love the art. It was produced by Universal Film Distribution in Cairo, and of course they did not credit its creator.

We actually watched this, and it’s about Hercules slaying a dragon to win the hand (and the rest of her) of a king’s daughter only for her to be kidnapped by marauders, who Herc then tracks to their subterranean city and goes nuclear on, but only after he’s captured and the evils try to sacrifice him to some elephants. Once he dispatches those, and is courted by the evil queen for a minute, he makes the bad folks pay dearly, barely ruffling his pleated mini-skirt in the process. It’s gaspingly awful, particularly the sequence where he wrassles a lion, and also every moment involving his bumbling sidekick Babar. But our special consulting critic Angela the sunbear felt the movie wasn’t bad. She has a fancy degree in this cinema stuff, so we defer to her. Plus when we don’t, she threatens to maul us. Artsy types, right? There’s no release date for Egypt, but Ercole l’invincibile opened in Italy today in 1964.

The only thing more awesome than being the strongest man in the world would be strength, plus not having to wear a wig to conceal my hair loss.

With the wind vectoring strongly from the north, my wig integrity is rapidly decreasing.

I have much power, young Hercules, but not the power to restore hair!

Hercules! Bear!

Bare? My tits are constantly out! You dare to demand more?

Hey, heh heh, listen guys, we all have fake hair here. Should we really be fighting?

Zeus! Apollo! Poseidon! Minoxodil! Aid me in my hour of need!

The wig is weird, I grant you. But the last guy I dated had a hunchback.

Oh no! I had no idea Tannymaxx body oil was flammable! Aiiiieeeeee!!!!!

Hello, humans. Gonna throw this out there—the bear was by far the best actor. Amiright?

Italy, Egypt, Cairo, Ercole l'invincibile, Hercules the Invicible, Hercules the Invicible, Hercules Against the Elephants’ Empire, The Sons of Hercules in the Land of Darkness, Dan Vadis, Spela Rozin, Carla Calò, Ken Clark, poster art, cinema, movie review

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HISTORY REWIND

The headlines that mattered yesteryear.

April 22

1912—Pravda Is Founded

The newspaper Pravda, or Truth, known as the voice of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, begins publication in Saint Petersburg. It is one of the country’s leading newspapers until 1991, when it is closed down by decree of then-President Boris Yeltsin. A number of other Pravdas appear afterward, including an internet site and a tabloid.

April 22

1983—Hitler's Diaries Found

The German magazine Der Stern claims that Adolf Hitler’s diaries had been found in wreckage in East Germany. The magazine had paid 10 million German marks for the sixty small books, plus a volume about Rudolf Hess’s flight to the United Kingdom, covering the period from 1932 to 1945. But the diaries are subsequently revealed to be fakes written by Konrad Kujau, a notorious Stuttgart forger. Both he and Stern journalist Gerd Heidemann go to trial in 1985 and are each sentenced to 42 months in prison.

April 21

1918—The Red Baron Is Shot Down

German WWI fighter ace Manfred von Richthofen, better known as The Red Baron, sustains a fatal wound while flying over Vaux sur Somme in France. Von Richthofen, shot through the heart, manages a hasty emergency landing before dying in the cockpit of his plane. His last word, according to one witness, is “Kaputt.” The Red Baron was the most successful flying ace during the war, having shot down at least 80 enemy airplanes.

April 21

1964—Satellite Spreads Radioactivity

An American-made Transit satellite, which had been designed to track submarines, fails to reach orbit after launch and disperses its highly radioactive two pound plutonium power source over a wide area as it breaks up re-entering the atmosphere.

April 20

1939—Holiday Records Strange Fruit

American blues and jazz singer Billie Holiday records “Strange Fruit”, which is considered to be the first civil rights song. It began as a poem written by Abel Meeropol, which he later set to music and performed live with his wife Laura Duncan. The song became a Holiday standard immediately after she recorded it, and it remains one of the most highly regarded pieces of music in American history.

April 19

1927—Mae West Sentenced to Jail

American actress and playwright Mae West is sentenced to ten days in jail for obscenity for the content of her play Sex. The trial occurred even though the play had run for a year and had been seen by 325,000 people. However West’s considerable popularity, already based on her risque image, only increased due to the controversy.

April 19

1971—Manson Sentenced to Death

In the U.S, cult leader Charles Manson is sentenced to death for inciting the murders of Sharon Tate and several other people. Three accomplices, who had actually done the killing, were also sentenced to death, but the state of California abolished capital punishment in 1972 and neither they nor Manson were ever actually executed.