HAPPILY EVA AFTER

Unexplainable interest in Eva Braun artifacts maybe not such a mystery after all.

Once again demonstrating that people with an overabundance of money will buy anything, a private bidder yesterday purchased a pair of Eva Braun’s panties at auction. Yes—Eva Braun. Yes—panties. The sale took place in the English town of Malvern, at Philip Serrell Auctioneers & Valuers, and along with the monogrammed fascist frillies, which you see above, were sold a gold ring, a red lipstick, and a silver lipstick holder, all once possessed by Braun. But it was the undies that fetched the top price, going for £2,900, or about $3,600. That’s a lot of money for panties. But according to a representative of the auction house, “an array” of prospective buyers offered bids on the item, pushing the price more than seven times higher than expected.

Now that the buyer has the undies, you’re doubtless wondering what he plans to do with them (and you just know it’s a “he” we’re dealing with, by the way). He could display them at home, maybe frame them. Or he could tuck them safely away for later resale at a profit. He could even donate them to Munich’s Pinakothek art museums, which collect such items. But he’ll do none of those things. Nope. He’s going to wear them.

You’re thinking that’s crazy. You’re thinking, okay, it may be a good way to appreciate a pair of fine panties, but doesn’t rapid depreciation generally follow getting nutsack on a historical artifact? And you’d be right, normally. But the buyer knows something about Eva Braun’s panties you don’t. In fact, all the rich auction attendees who bid on them knew the same thing, which is why they competed with each other. Eva’s panties are magic.

Once you wear them—and you must wear them for the magic to work—you instantly possess the ability to see worth in anyone. Which means the winner of the auction will have something special to help him navigate the fraught world of one percenters in which he moves. When he meets up with Martin Shkreli, instead of dismissing pharma bro as an obvious genetic misfire, he’ll say, “Oh, he’s really a teddybear once you get to know him.” Rupert Murdoch? “That guy’s actually okay. He’s a cheeky one, ole Murdo.” Bill Cosby? “Oh, he’s harmless. You should see his soft jazz collection.” Eva’s panties magically let the wearer see the worst monsters in the world as not all bad, which could be useful on election day. They even work when you look in a mirror. Suddenly your sad rationalizations seem totally sound.

But there’s more. If the wearer combines the panties with the lipstick and ring he or she will actually have sex with and marry the absolute worst person in the world. And he or she will do it even if it means utter isolation from friends, family, and anything that even resembles real life. And they’ll stay loyal even after it becomes obvious their mate is dragging them

straight to doom. Unfortunately, said doom could destroy the valuable panties along with the wearer, but guess what? There are other pairs. One turned up in Ohio just last year. And another was sold in Maryland. Others surely exist, so if you want to waltz blithely through the rarefied world of vulture capitalists, sexual predators, and corrupt politicians, now you know how to do it. And if you navigate this world cleverly and maybe even thrive in it, in time maybe one day people will need Eva’s panties just to tolerate you.

Britain, Germany, Malvern, Eva Braun, Adolf Hitler, nazis

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HISTORY REWIND

The headlines that mattered yesteryear.

May 20

1916—Rockwell's First Post Cover Appears

The Saturday Evening Post publishes Norman Rockwell’s painting “Boy with Baby Carriage”, marking the first time his work appears on the cover of that magazine. Rockwell would go to paint many covers for the Post, becoming indelibly linked with the publication. During his long career Rockwell would eventually paint more than four thousand pieces, the vast majority of which are not on public display due to private ownership and destruction by fire.

May 19

1962—Marilyn Monroe Sings to John F. Kennedy

A birthday salute to U.S. President John F. Kennedy takes place at Madison Square Garden, in New York City. The highlight is Marilyn Monroe’s breathy rendition of “Happy Birthday,” which does more to fuel speculation that the two were sexually involved than any actual evidence.

May 18

1926—Aimee Semple McPherson Disappears

In the U.S., Canadian born evangelist Aimee Semple McPherson disappears from Venice Beach, California in the middle of the afternoon. She is initially thought to have drowned, but on June 23, McPherson stumbles out of the desert in Agua Prieta, a Mexican town across the border from Douglas, Arizona, claiming to have been kidnapped, drugged, tortured and held for ransom in a shack by two people named Steve and Mexicali Rose. However, it soon becomes clear that McPherson’s tale is fabricated, though to this day the reasons behind it remain unknown.

May 18

1964—Mods and Rockers Jailed After Riots

In Britain, scores of youths are jailed following a weekend of violent clashes between gangs of Mods and Rockers in Brighton and other south coast resorts. Mods listened to ska music and The Who, wore suits and rode Italian scooters, while Rockers listened to Elvis and Gene Vincent, and rode motorcycles. These differences triggered the violence.

May 17

1974—Police Raid SLA Headquarters

In the U.S., Los Angeles police raid the headquarters of the revolutionary group the Symbionese Liberation Army, resulting in the deaths of six members. The SLA had gained international notoriety by kidnapping nineteen-year old media heiress Patty Hearst from her Berkeley, California apartment, an act which precipitated her participation in an armed bank robbery.

May 17

1978—Charlie Chaplin's Missing Body Is Found

Eleven weeks after it was disinterred and stolen from a grave in Corsier near Lausanne, Switzerland, Charlie Chaplin’s corpse is found by police. Two menâ€”Roman Wardas, a 24-year-old Pole, and Gantscho Ganev, a 38-year-old Bulgarianâ€”are convicted in December of stealing the coffin and trying to extort Â£400,000 from the Chaplin family.

BENEDETTO AT HIS BEST

Italian illustrator Benedetto Caroselli was a top talent in the realm of cover art. We have several examples of his best work from novels published by Grandi Edizioni Internazionali and other companies.

MEAN STREETS