Everyone in class is expected to give an oral report.
The Japanese poster you see here, which is quite striking, was made to promote the West German sexploitation movie Schulmädchen-Report 5. Teil - Was Eltern wirklich wissen sollten. Quite a mouthful. In English it was known as Schoolgirl Report Part 5: What All Parents Should Know. Still a mouthful. There's a reason for that. These films, of which thirteen were made, are legendary—or maybe infamous is the appropriate word—for pioneering the idea of sexploitation flicks as documentaries. We've talked about a few of them, specifically numbers three, seven, and eleven. The tail end of the title for this one—What All Parents Should Know—gives the film a gloss of scholarship, as if scientific research went into its making. But it was a fig leaf. People watched these movies to see nudity and sex, not to educate themselves. And if anyone actually hoped for education, well, they were steered horribly wrong.
The movie consists of six vignettes. In the first, three high schoolers bet during a rural field trip that they can lay their straight arrow teacher. In the second, a man is seduced by his granddaughter and ends up on trial. And so it goes, from scenario to scenario, all of them strange. None of the performers involved, female or male, would win a beauty contest, but a few are appealing, such as Sonja Jeannine, who features on the poster, and Ingrid Steeger, who was a stalwart in sexploitation films and men's magazines. While a couple of the vignettes have serious undertones, they're mostly meant to be tongue-in-cheek. What is incredibly serious, though, is how far the envelope gets pushed thematically. Grandfather/granddaughter incest? That's not good at all. We can't recommend the film, but we love the poster. You won't see it anywhere else. Schulmädchen-Report 5 premiered in Sweden in 1973 and opened in Japan today in 1974.
Oh, come on, grandpa! I'm sure your heart will be just fine.
Heh heh, I have to admit, my dear—that get-up is a lot sexier than the bunny pajamas you used to wear.
I'm out of order? I'm out of order? Your Honor, are you kidding me? She's out of order!
Lindberg is larger than life in three dimensions.
Have you ever seen a 3D sexploitation movie? Rittai Poruno-Sukoppu: Sentensei Roshutsukyou, which was originally released as Liebe in drei Dimensionen and known in English as Love in 3-D, is a typical piece of West German goofball sexploitation—except it comes right at you! Ingrid Steeger is top billed but the film's Japanese distributors—no fools they—put Christina Lindberg on the promo poster.
There isn't much of a plot to this. It's basically just sex vignettes wrapped around Steeger apartment sitting and dealing with her bad boyfriend. 3D movies always overuse their gimmickry and this effort is no exception. Items thrust at the camera include Dorit Henke's panties, Ulrike Butz's bush, several animatronic monsters in a house of horrors, and of course Lindberg's boobs.
Lindberg was globally famous for her breasts (see what we just did there?), which means her nudity was expected and duly delivered, but watching her tour Munich rocking a red mini-skirt and fluffy pink jacket may impress you even more. Lederhosen must have gotten cramped all over Bavaria when she shot those scenes. Liebe in drei Dimensionen premiered in West Germany in January 1973 and reached Japan today in 1974.
Seventh movie in famed sexploitation series has plenty to report.
After taking a little break you can be sure we'd return to posting by showing you something unusual, so above you see a beautiful Japanese poster for the West German sexploitation comedy Schulmädchen-Report 7. Teil - Doch das Herz muß dabei sein. It's a mouthful, we know. The title would translate as “schoolgirl report part 7 - but the heart must be there.” This word salad was changed for the film's English language release to merely Teenage Playmates. It was the seventh of thirteen films in the Schulmädchen-Report series and is generally regarded as one of the better entries—though having not seen all of them we can't corroborate that. Among its large cast are Elke Deuringer, Ulrike Butz, and Puppa Armbruster. The movie is also said by various websites, including IMDB, to feature Christina Lindberg, but she's not in it. It would be better if she were, but no such luck, and we aren't even sure how that rumor sprouted, except that the cast is uncredited and people have bad eyes.
Plotwise, when a bunch of high school aged brothel workers are arrested they tell a judge and court filled with scandalized spectators how they ended up in such circumstances. Thus the entire film is just a framework for sex vignettes. Our favorite quote: “Naturally I touched my breasts in the shower. Which are erogenous zones according to The Atlas of Sexual Education. My nipples got hard and my... my... my... how should I describe it? My pussy became aroused.” Movies like this fall into the could-not-be-made-today category, which is a good thing—though we should note that all the alleged high schoolers were actors in their twenties, some considerably so. Which will be obvious when you look at the promo images below. After premiering in West Germany in 1974 Schulmädchen-Report 7. Teil - Doch das Herz muß dabei sein reached Japan today in 1975.
Update 2020: The movie still doesn't haven't Christina Lindberg in it. She did not magically appear. We actually sent a note to IMDB about it with a link to Lindberg's correct Swedish Wikipedia filmography, and it went ignored. Not a good endorsement for internet accuracy, nor the responsiveness of crowd sourced sites. Fuck—I look at least twenty-five. I guess it's true what they say about this life aging you.
Oh, ah, the fact that some people mistake me for Christina Lindberg is a real turn on!
I'll leave the glasses on, if you don't mind. When this all comes out in court later I'll need to describe you accurately.
Mmm... fuzzy. I love you Mr. Zwetschgenkuchenbear.
The teen brothel is on the third floor. This floor sells designer handbags. Buy one for a woman and you'll get laid even faster than going to a hooker. You'll learn that later in life.
Who's in the mood for kochwurst? Kochwurst, everyone? Okay, kochwurst for all of us, please, waiter. Thanks.
The Atlas of Sexual Education says we're rounding second base. Next stop—deeply unfulfilling sex for pay.
Police! This is a raid! Girls—you're all under arrest! Men—all of you go home and revel in the fact that male privilege lets you off scot-free!
The headlines that mattered yesteryear.
2009—Farrah Fawcett Dies
American actress Farrah Fawcett, who started as a model but became famous after one season playing detective Jill Munroe on the television show Charlie's Angels
after a long battle with cancer.
1938—Chicora Meteor Lands
In the U.S., above Chicora, Pennsylvania, a meteor estimated to have weighed 450 metric tons explodes in the upper atmosphere and scatters fragments across the sky. Only four small pieces are ever discovered, but scientists estimate that the meteor, with an explosive power of about three kilotons of TNT, would have killed everyone for miles around if it had detonated in the city.
1973—Peter Dinsdale Commits First Arson
A fire at a house in Hull, England, kills a six year old boy and is believed to be an accident until it later is discovered to be a case of arson. It is the first of twenty-six deaths by fire caused over the next seven years by serial-arsonist Peter Dinsdale. Dinsdale is finally captured in 1981, pleads guilty to multiple manslaughter, and is detained indefinitely under Britain's Mental Health Act as a dangerous psychotic.
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