House of Wax, which was produced by Warner Brothers and premiered today in 1953, was the first 3D production by any major studio. It’s a period piece set in Victorian New York City starring Vincent Price as the creator and half owner of a historical wax museum. Unfortunately, his focus on history leaves the public nonplussed, and his partner Roy Roberts, who needs capital, sets the place aflame for the insurance money. Price is burned and driven insane. Well, actually he was insane before the fire, but in a cute way. He talked to his wax figures and thought they talked back.
But after the fire he’s a barking psychopath, running around nighttime Gotham behatted and cloaked like Lamont Cranston. His goal? Revenge, of course, a craving solved early in the proceedings when he pitches Roberts down an elevator shaft with a rope around his neck. But what next? What does one do once vengeance is thine? Well, you build a new wax museum, except this time you surrender to prurient tastes and create displays of modern murder and the macabre. Screw that high-minded history crap.
Everything goes fine until Phyllis Kirk begins to suspect that the extraordinary realism of the wax figures is due to more than just artistic talent. Her suspicion is a screenwriter’s concoction—there’s no way a person could realistically make the leap Kirk does in believing Price guilty of heinous crimes. The script literally calls it a woman’s intuition. Well, okay. But in our experience that’s a myth, and it’s possibly even insulting when used as substitute for intelligence, so maybe just put a realistic clue in the script and write Kirk’s character as very smart instead. In any case, she’s definitely nosy as hell, and that’s the beginning of the end for vicious Vince.
House of Wax has many things going for it. The sets and costumes are extravagant, the early fire sequence with its melting wax figures is genuinely unsettling, the WarnerColor developing process is attractive, and the acting is uniformly competent, even by that six-foot three-inch Hillshire Farms ham Price. And it’s fun to watch Charles Buchinsky, aka Charles Bronson, as the mute assistant Igor. In the end the House of Wax works. Add popcorn, a few friends, and about of case of beer and you’ll have a great Saturday night.
After we bust outta this joint, what do you say we form a boy band? Charles knows three guitar chords and I can sing.
What are you mad at me for? Is it my fault the babes like singers best?
Fuck this. Between Meeker and Bronson I’m getting no action at all. I’m starting a solo career. I heard there’s a thing called Auto-Tune that’ll keep even my singing voice in pitch.
