FOR THE LOVE OF GODDESS

Treat your mummy special every day.

When we see the word “mummy” in a news story we pay extra attention. Even more so when the mummy has nothing to do with Egypt. Late last week police in Moffatt, Colorado arrested seven members of a ragtag cult called Love Has Won after they were found in possession of a mummified body. The body was once Amy Carlson, above, the leader of the sect. She was known to the cultists as Mother God, and believed that she was the 534th avatar of God on Earth and had revoked the free will of humanity. Mummy Carlson was posed in a shrine, wrapped in a sleeping bag festooned with Christmas lights, and decorated about her eyeless face with glitter make-up. The cult members were charged with, among other things, abuse of a corpse.

Abuse? Do the police have no idea how expensive the top make-up brands are? L’Oréal’s best eye shadow, the shimmery Avant Garde Azure, which is so good it de-emphasizes the fact that you don’t even have eyes, costs a small fortune. Maybelline’s Superstay lipstick, which makes lips so kissable even a death rictus won’t stop an admirer from going in for some tongue action, runs a pretty penny too. And Guerlain’s Fève Délicieuse parfum is so intoxicating it masks even the charnel stench of death. Don’t get us started on that. The point is, this was no abused corpse. Love Has Won adherents spared no effort or expense transforming their rattling husk of a mummy-goddess into a glamour queen that turned heads wherever she went.

And no wonder they treated her so well, considering they believed she’d lived hundreds of lives, both male and female—and we assume non-binary too, if she was really on her game. They thought she’d been Jesus Christ, Joan of Arc, and who knows what other historical personages. You ever notice people who live past lives were never mid-level sanitation workers in some plague-wracked medieval town? Or some young male virgin sacrificially beheaded atop a Mayan pyramid in the year 450? Or a little girl who got trampled flat by a mammoth? Seems to us you’d remember being all those things.

But it’s always Joan of Arc for some reason, or Cleopatra. Mother God even claimed to have been Marilyn Monroe, and that’s going too far in our book, because Monroe was a real goddess. We can prove it because every time we see those early nudes of hers things start to miraculously rise around here. Anyway, we suspect that the seven

detained Love Has Won cultists—you see them above, plus a stand-in for Mother God, the beef jerky version, because we couldn’t find a photo—are looking at some years under the care of the state of Colorado. That’ll be followed by a sprint through the talk show circuit, public repudiation of their bizarre beliefs, blaming it on trauma in childhood and meth usage as adults, finally capped off with careers as self-help gurus. And to think Mother God said humanity has no free will. It does, and we’re going to use ours right now by choosing to “worship” Monroe for a bit. Don’t expect us back today.

Hi, Mother God here. I command thee: Bring me a glass of the sacramental wine.

Colorado, Amy Carlson, mugshots, cults

Mondo Bizarro

January 13 2012

PONY EXCESS

Two horse mutilations in Britain have police pondering whether a Satanic cult was involved.

Twice within a week in Great Britain horses were mutilated in the dead of night in a manner that has been described by some authorities as ritualistic. The two horses—one in Carmarthenshire, Wales and the other in Stithians, Cornwall—were killed on nights bracketing a Satanic holiday known as St. Winebald’s Day, which falls on January 7. The Carmarthenshire horse, which was attacked January 5, had its eyes gouged out, an ear cut off, its stomach cut open, and its genitalia removed. The Stitihians horse, a large stallion named Erik (above), was killed on January 8 in similar fashion, but had only one eye removed, along with its teeth, while its ears were left intact. The Carmarthenshire crime is particularly intriguing, because when the owner of that horse was unable to remove the corpse immediately, the killer or killers returned that night—January 6—to further mutilate the animal. Because of the dates of the crimes and the fact that St. Winebald’s Day is considered by some Satanists to be an occasion for animal as well as human sacrifice, police have admitted that cult involvement is a strong possibility, though they are also considering more conventional motives. So far, searches of both crime scenes have turned up no clues.

Britain, Wales, Cornwall, Carmarthenshire, Stithians, St. Winebald’s Day, cults

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HISTORY REWIND

The headlines that mattered yesteryear.

December 14

1911—Team Reaches South Pole

Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen, along with his team Olav Bjaaland, Helmer Hanssen, Sverre Hassel, and Oscar Wisting, becomes the first person to reach the South Pole. After a celebrated career, Amundsen eventually disappears in 1928 while returning from a search and rescue flight at the North Pole. His body is never found.

December 13

1944—Velez Commits Suicide

Mexican actress Lupe Velez, who was considered one of the great beauties of her day, commits suicide by taking an overdose of sleeping pills. In her note, Velez says she did it to avoid bringing shame on her unborn child by giving birth to him out of wedlock, but many Hollywood historians believe bipolar disorder was the actual cause. The event inspired a 1965 Andy Warhol film entitled Lupe.

December 13

1958—Gordo the Monkey Lost After Space Flight

After a fifteen minute flight into space on a Jupiter AM-13 rocket, a monkey named Gordo splashes down in the South Pacific but is lost after his capsule sinks. The incident sparks angry protests from the American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, but NASA says animals are needed for such tests.

December 12

1968—Tallulah Bankhead Dies

American actress, talk show host, and party girl Tallulah Bankhead, who was fond of turning cartwheels in a dress without underwear and once made an entrance to a party without a stitch of clothing on, dies in St. Luke’s Hospital in New York City of double pneumonia complicated by emphysema.

December 11

1962—Canada Has Last Execution

The last executions in Canada occur when Arthur Lucas and Ronald Turpin, both of whom are Americans who had been extradited north after committing separate murders in Canada, are hanged at Don Jail in Toronto. When Turpin is told that he and Lucas will probably be the last people hanged in Canada, he replies, â€œSome consolation.â€

December 11

1964—Guevara Speaks at U.N.

Ernesto “Che” Guevara, representing the nation of Cuba, speaks at the 19th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York City. His speech calls for wholesale changes in policies between rich nations and poor ones, as well as five demands of the United States, none of which are met.

December 11

2008—Legendary Pin-Up Bettie Page Dies

After suffering a heart attack several days before, erotic model Bettie Page, who in the 1950s became known as the Queen of Pin-ups, dies when she is removed from life support machinery. Thanks to the unique style she displayed in thousands of photos and film loops, Page is considered one of the most influential beauties who ever lived.