WILD BY NATURE

What the Eva loving hell is happening in that jungle?

We don’t give much credence to crowdsourced film ratings. These days there are coordinated efforts to drag down the ratings of certain films based on casting rather than execution. However, with vintage films it’s a different deal. Nobody really bothers dragging down those ratings. The Italian exploitation flick Eva la Venere selvaggia, which would translate as “Eva the wild Venus” but is known in English as Kong Island, has a 2.9 rating on IMDB. And that website’s ratings are, if anything, too forgiving of vintage cinema. Therefore we know going in that this is a terrible film. But we like its posters, so we took the plunge.

A scientist in Kenya is implanting radio transmitters into the brains of gorillas in order to control their behavior. When Ursula Davis heads into the area on a hunting trip she’s kidnapped by these enslaved primates. Ursula’s compatriots follow her trail through bush and forest, along the way running across a feral woman played by Esmeralda Barros, who lives in the jungle and knows where to find the mad scientist’s underground lair. Within that lair the scientist is busy explaining to Ursula—in classic cheapo movie style—his entire world dominating plot. Shorter version: his mind control device works on humans too.

Obviously, the final reel deals with the rescue of Ursula and comeuppance for the mad scientist, but it’s as perfunctory as we just made it sound. The folks on IMDB were right this time. In fact, the movie is so bad there isn’t even much satisfaction in making fun of it. It’s too easy. The movie is laden with failure ranging from the script all the way down to the gorilla suits. It’s like a pressed muffuletta sandwich of incompetence—you can’t even discern all the layers, they’re packed so tight. Director Roberto Mauri called himself Robert Morris for this and it’s easy to see why. Kong Island is like something made by apes. It premiered today in 1968.

Scream at her like a terrifying beast first. Have a quiet discussion with her later.

Hey, you hook up with a giant ape you have to expect these types of outbursts. He’s a big softy inside, though. Vegetarian, actually. Bit of a tree-hugger. He’s starring on an Egyptian promo poster made by the National Film Company for a movie titled in Arabic المتوحشه, which translates as “the savage.” It was originally made in 1968 in Italy as Eva, la Venere selvaggia, and was known in English as Kong Island.

The movie starred Brazilian actress Esmeralda Barros, who appeared in a number of fantastically terrible international flicks, such as O Castelo das Taras, aka Castle of De Sade, the cheapie spaghetti westerns W Django! and La colt era il suo Dio, aka God Is My Colt .45, and the women-in-prison flick Presidio de Mulheres Violentadas, known in English as Prison for Violated Women.

As enticing as all those sound we’ll probably skip them. However, because we like lost world flicks we’ll probably watch Kong Island, at which time we’ll share the original Italian poster. We’re reasonably sure it’s going to be bad. But at least it’ll probably be harmless. The above is undated, but is probably from 1968 or 1969. You can see more Egyptian posters here.

Is Django le carogne hanno un prezzo a disaster from start to finish? Why of corpse it is!

We love it when a plan comes together. We told you we hoped to watch this movie, and luckily it premiered today in 1971, mere weeks after we featured co-star Dominique Badou and her bizarro butt stripe. What you’re seeing is a poster for the spaghetti western Anche per Django le carogne hanno un prezzo, known in English—amazingly—as Django’s Cut Price Corpses. But a unique and snazzy title does not a good movie make. Pardner, this is by far the worst western we’ve ever seen. It has to be a satire. It absolutely must. But as we’ve discussed before with satire, if it’s poorly made you often lose the ability to discern whether the filmmakers actually are just inept.

This one—and by the way we don’t actually think it’s a satire—is the sad work of Luigi Batzella, whose other movies include Achtung! The Desert Tigers and The Devil’s Wedding Night. So it turns out Django’s Cut Price Corpses isn’t such a unique title after all. The movie is about bounty hunter Jeff Cameron searching for the notorious Cortez Brothers, who recently stole gold from a Silver City bank and kidnapped a woman. Cameron rides into town and pre-orders some coffins, signaling his firm intent to kill, in a bit that is possibly—no definitely—stolen from Clint Eastwood. He makes an uneasy partnership with Gengher Gatti and John Desmont, who both want the Cortez Brothers for their own reasons, and off they go into the hills on their hunt.

However, Cameron may have secret motives. Oh, hell, why are we bothering to be coy? He’s really there to rescue his fiancée Dominique Badoue, who is the kidnappee from the bank job. This twist is revealed by the undercover cowboy in the final two minutes. Yes, that’s a spoiler, but we care about you, and now maybe you’ll watch a better movie, or read a good book, or drink a bottle of mezcal and hurl, or get an eyelid tattoo, or have someone smash your fingers flat with a meat tenderizer on a marble countertop. All are better options than Luigi’s cut price western. How bad are we talking? In the wide shots we kept expecting to see cars passing and—bingo!— at moment 36:34 in a stagecoach scene, there it was. No horses were harmed in the making of Anche per Django le carogne hanno un prezzo, but numerous careers should have ended up in the glue factory.

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HISTORY REWIND

The headlines that mattered yesteryear.

1959—Dark Side of Moon Revealed

The Soviet space probe Luna 3 transmits the first photographs of the far side of the moon. The photos generate great interest, and scientists are surprised to see mountainous terrain, very different from the near side, and only two seas, which the Soviets name Mare Moscovrae (Sea of Moscow) and Mare Desiderii (Sea of Desire).

1966—LSD Declared Illegal in U.S.

LSD, which was originally synthesized by a Swiss doctor and was later secretly used by the CIA on military personnel, prostitutes, the mentally ill, and members of the general public in a project code named MKULTRA, is designated a controlled substance in the United States.

1945—Hollywood Black Friday

A six month strike by Hollywood set decorators becomes a riot at the gates of Warner Brothers Studios when strikers and replacement workers clash. The event helps bring about the passage of the Taft-Hartley Act, which, among other things, prohibits unions from contributing to political campaigns and requires union leaders to affirm they are not supporters of the Communist Party.

1957—Sputnik Circles Earth

The Soviet Union launches the satellite Sputnik I, which becomes the first artificial object to orbit the Earth. It orbits for two months and provides valuable information about the density of the upper atmosphere. It also panics the United States into a space race that eventually culminates in the U.S. moon landing.

1970—Janis Joplin Overdoses

American blues singer Janis Joplin is found dead on the floor of her motel room in Los Angeles. The cause of death is determined to be an overdose of heroin, possibly combined with the effects of alcohol.

Classic science fiction from James Grazier with uncredited cover art.
Hammond Innes volcano tale features Italian intrigue and Mitchell Hooks cover art.

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