The movie Truck Turner was originally written to star Lee Marvin, Robert Mitchum, or Ernest Borgnine, but none of them were available. American International Pictures exec Larry Gordon reportedly said, “Well, we can’t get any of them so now it’s a black picture.” Marvin, Mitchum, and Borgnine were lucky they dodged this Truck. Isaac Hayes was signed up and he plays an L.A. bounty hunter who chases down a pimp named Gator only to end up pitted against a powerful madame named Dorinda. The movie is poorly put together, which you wouldn’t guess from looking at its scores on sites like IMDB, where raters give it a 7.0. But we suspect those ratings derive from copious action and an amusingly bad script, particularly co-star Nichelle Nichols’ tour de force segment in which, as Dorinda, she parades her whores before a group of pimps and describes their assets in a colorful monologue that’s possibly the funniest moment from any blaxploitation movie. Here it is:

“Gentlemen, this is my family. These all prime cut bitches. $238,000 worth of dynamite. It’s Fort Knox in panties. Candy did seventeen thousand last year. Velvet, Miss Sophisticate, did twenty. Used to be a Paris model. Jess and Annette each did twenty-two five. Show ’em your wares, bitch. [bitch licks lips, strikes a pose] See what you can get if you’re good? That’s Turnpike. She did twenty-six five. She’s called Turnpike ’cause you gotta pay to get on and pay to get off. China, come here, baby. China did twenty-nine. Sweet piece a Oriental meat. Mmm, mmm, mmm. This is Frenchy. Gator used to call her Boeing 747. Show ’em why, bitch. [bitch shimmies] She did twenty-seven five. And that’s sweet Annette. Show ’em that smile, you sweet thing. She did thirty thou last year. And where’s my baby? That’s Taffy. This bitch grossed thirty-seven thousand five hundred dollars working part time. Shit, her clients think she’s too good to fuck. They call her Colonel Sanders because she’s [bitch licks fingers] finger lickin’ good.”

So that’s pretty funny, in a horrible, un-2018 kind of way. The outtakes must have been uproarious. Nichols knocks this bit out of the park like a hanging curveball because she can act (in fact, watching how she makes those words sparkle is a clinic on the wide gap between screenwriting and an actor’s interpretation). Yaphet Kotto as the pimp Harvard Blue makes his role work because he can act too. But nobody else can. Luckily, as action eventually overtakes dialogue matters improve considerably, with the last third of the movie developing enough momentum to sustain viewer interest. There’s one other asset too—Hayes’ groovy soundtrack. But you don’t have to watch the movie to enjoy that, or Nichols’ monologue, which you can watch at this YouTube link while it lasts. It starts about forty seconds in. Otherwise, we recommend giving Truck Turner a pass unless your sense of humor is—like ours—inclusive of semi-inept Hollywood obscurities. If that’s the case, roll on. Truck Turner premiered in the U.S. in 1974.