BEACH BUMMIN’

Crawford tries to get away from it all, only to have it all come to her.


We’ve been neglectful of Joan Crawford, but we remedied that at least partly last night by screening her drama Female on the Beach, which premiered today in 1955. Plotwise this is pretty straightforward. Seeking peace and quiet, Crawford moves into a Newport Beach seaside house owned by her late husband. It’s usually rented, but the previous tenant has just vacated the place. Crawford soon learns that the tenant vacated alright—by way of a swan dive off the deck onto the beach. But whether this was an accident, suicide, or the wicked work of someone’s hand is unclear. What viewers do learn is that the neighbors—played by Cecil Kellaway and Natalie Schafer, aka Lovie Howell from Gilligan’s Island—are con artists. They partner with a local boytoy played by hunky Jeff Chandler, helping him to romance vacationing women and divide them from their cash. This may be why the previous occupant of Crawford’s house ended up dead.

The plot set-up is interesting enough, but the most notable aspect of Female on the Beach is that it’s another one of those old movies that shows how little ownership mid-century women had over their bodies and spaces. Chandler is a lothario, which of course means he’s scripted as romantically insistent, but even factoring that into his character his sheer presumption is amazing. As a viewer you absorb it on two levels: cinematically and sociologically. Chandler’s behavior, though fictional, is rooted in 1950s reality. The filmmakers wanted him to be forward but a little charming, and that fact will instill within you a sense of wonder and amazement at what women were expected to endure. Chandler paws and manhandles Crawford against her will, and when she objects he treats her as though something is wrong with her. He refuses to remove his boat from her pier, enters her house without permission and refuses leave when asked, answers a knock at her door though told not to do so, initially avoids returning a key he acquired before she moved in, feels her leg without consent, embraces her against her will, and more. “A woman’s no good to a man unless she’s a little afraid of him,” Chandler tells her at one point. Big red flag.

At first Crawford hates the guy, but eventually he sucks her in by pouting, being surly, pretending a loss of interest. We’d say nobody would fall for it, but we’ve seen it work. When Crawford finds a diary hidden by the dead woman she learns about Chandler’s scams, but even this won’t scare her off. She just can’t resist the big lug. Is he a killer? Is she a moron? Do viewers need so many hints that the railing of her beach house is ready to give way? All of these are pertinent questions, but in terms of enjoying Female on the Beach what’s most important is whether you can accept Crawford’s attraction to Chandler’s retrograde alpha male. If so, then lay on. But even if watching their antics sets your teeth on edge, the movie is probably worth a viewing just to see an evil Mrs. Howell. If all else fails, perhaps you’ll want to watch it to observe Joan Crawford at work. She was one of Hollywood’s great stars—even in not-great movies. That’s Female on the Beach—not great, but not bad.

Hi, take a real good look at me, baby, because I’ll be your stalker.
 
See? Stalking. Here I am in your kitchen this morning without permission.

Surprise! Stalking! This time I swam all the way across the bay to stalk you.

Lovely calves. Shapely but not too developed. Which means you won’t be able to outrun me.

Is this your diary? I’m gonna read it. I know—presumptuous as hell, right?

Wow. You write that I’m a walking vomit stain with sadistic eyes, the manners of a crocodile, and a bulge in my swimsuit the size of a wine cork.

You’ve been looking at my bulge, eh?

I hate you, lady. That’s reverse psychology. It’s right out of the stalker’s handbook.

Not so fast, Joan. What do you take me for? Let the delicious irony stretch out a little. In fact, maybe I won’t even kiss you. That’d teach you.

Just kidding. Let’s do this. Tonsils here I come.

There’s something about that man…

Destiny is a song that plays over and over.

We were marveling a while back at how the film noir Mildred Pierce begins with a shooting, and wouldn’t you know it—the melodrama Repeat Performance uses the same opening. In the first scene Joan Leslie ventilates her husband then heads off in a daze to a New Year’s Eve party. She makes a wish as the clock strikes midnight, pleading for a chance to erase the past year’s mistakes and alakazam!—she’s sent back in time to re-do the previous 365. Once she realizes what’s happened, she’s practically thrilled enough to do handsprings, and vows to avoid the missteps that led to her shooting her husband. But to quote a poem a friend dedicates to her: “If you would run from destiny, first learn to run through snow leaving no footprints.” Yeah. She’s screwed either way. Maybe. Keep an eye out for Natalie Schafer, aka Mrs. Howell from Gilligan’s Island as—surprise—a vacuous socialite. Repeat Performance premiered in the U.S. today in 1947.

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HISTORY REWIND

The headlines that mattered yesteryear.

1966—LSD Declared Illegal in U.S.

LSD, which was originally synthesized by a Swiss doctor and was later secretly used by the CIA on military personnel, prostitutes, the mentally ill, and members of the general public in a project code named MKULTRA, is designated a controlled substance in the United States.

1945—Hollywood Black Friday

A six month strike by Hollywood set decorators becomes a riot at the gates of Warner Brothers Studios when strikers and replacement workers clash. The event helps bring about the passage of the Taft-Hartley Act, which, among other things, prohibits unions from contributing to political campaigns and requires union leaders to affirm they are not supporters of the Communist Party.

1957—Sputnik Circles Earth

The Soviet Union launches the satellite Sputnik I, which becomes the first artificial object to orbit the Earth. It orbits for two months and provides valuable information about the density of the upper atmosphere. It also panics the United States into a space race that eventually culminates in the U.S. moon landing.

1970—Janis Joplin Overdoses

American blues singer Janis Joplin is found dead on the floor of her motel room in Los Angeles. The cause of death is determined to be an overdose of heroin, possibly combined with the effects of alcohol.

1908—Pravda Founded

The newspaper Pravda is founded by Leon Trotsky, Adolph Joffe, Matvey Skobelev and other Russian exiles living in Vienna. The name means “truth” and the paper serves as an official organ of the Central Committee of the Communist Party between 1912 and 1991.

1957—Ferlinghetti Wins Obscenity Case

An obscenity trial brought against Lawrence Ferlinghetti, owner of the counterculture City Lights Bookstore in San Francisco, reaches its conclusion when Judge Clayton Horn rules that Allen Ginsberg’s poetry collection Howl is not obscene.

1995—Simpson Acquitted

After a long trial watched by millions of people worldwide, former football star O.J. Simpson is acquitted of the murders of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman. Simpson subsequently loses a civil suit and is ordered to pay millions in damages.

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