ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!

Is there no one else? Is there no one else!

We mashed up rhetorical questions from sword and sandal epics there. “Are you not entertained?” is from Russell Crowe’s Gladiator, while, “Is there no one else?” is from Brad Pitt’s Troy. But the above poster is for a movie not as good as either of those. It was put together for the Egyptian run of the Dan Vadis headlined adventure Ercole l’invincibile, which was originally made in Italy and known in English as Hercules the Invicible, Hercules Against the Elephants’ Empire, and The Sons of Hercules in the Land of Darkness. Today it’s just unknown. In Egypt it was called in Arabic The Famous Hercules. They’ve probably forgotten it there too. You’ll notice the poster has a secondary English title: Hercole the Conqueror. Since the character of Hercules was not known as Hercole in English, we can’t even begin to explain that. But we love the art. It was produced by Universal Film Distribution in Cairo, and of course they did not credit its creator.

We actually watched this, and it’s about Hercules slaying a dragon to win the hand (and the rest of her) of a king’s daughter only for her to be kidnapped by marauders, who Herc then tracks to their subterranean city and goes nuclear on, but only after he’s captured and the evils try to sacrifice him to some elephants. Once he dispatches those, and is courted by the evil queen for a minute, he makes the bad folks pay dearly, barely ruffling his pleated mini-skirt in the process. It’s gaspingly awful, particularly the sequence where he wrassles a lion, and also every moment involving his bumbling sidekick Babar. But our special consulting critic Angela the sunbear felt the movie wasn’t bad. She has a fancy degree in this cinema stuff, so we defer to her. Plus when we don’t, she threatens to maul us. Artsy types, right? There’s no release date for Egypt, but Ercole l’invincibile opened in Italy today in 1964.

The only thing more awesome than being the strongest man in the world would be strength, plus not having to wear a wig to conceal my hair loss.
 
With the wind vectoring strongly from the north, my wig integrity is rapidly decreasing.
 
I have much power, young Hercules, but not the power to restore hair!
 
Hercules! Bear!
 
Bare? My tits are constantly out! You dare to demand more?
 
Hey, heh heh, listen guys, we all have fake hair here. Should we really be fighting?
 
Zeus! Apollo! Poseidon! Minoxodil! Aid me in my hour of need!
 
The wig is weird, I grant you. But the last guy I dated had a hunchback.
 
Oh no! I had no idea Tannymaxx body oil was flammable! Aiiiieeeeee!!!!!
 

Hello, humans. Gonna throw this out there—the bear was by far the best actor. Amiright?

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HISTORY REWIND

The headlines that mattered yesteryear.

1905—Las Vegas Is Founded

Las Vegas, Nevada is founded when 110 acres of barren desert land in what had once been part of Mexico are auctioned off to various buyers. The area sold is located in what later would become the downtown section of the city. From these humble beginnings Vegas becomes the most populous city in Nevada, an internationally renowned resort for gambling, shopping, fine dining and sporting events, as well as a symbol of American excess. Today Las Vegas remains one of the fastest growing municipalities in the United States.

1928—Mickey Mouse Premieres

The animated character Mickey Mouse, along with the female mouse Minnie, premiere in the cartoon Plane Crazy, a short co-directed by Walt Disney and Ub Iwerks. This first cartoon was poorly received, however Mickey would eventually go on to become a smash success, as well as the most recognized symbol of the Disney empire.

1939—Five-Year Old Girl Gives Birth

In Peru, five-year old Lina Medina becomes the world’s youngest confirmed mother at the age of five when she gives birth to a boy via a caesarean section necessitated by her small pelvis. Six weeks earlier, Medina had been brought to the hospital because her parents were concerned about her increasing abdominal size. Doctors originally thought she had a tumor, but soon determined she was in her seventh month of pregnancy. Her son is born underweight but healthy, however the identity of the father and the circumstances of Medina’s impregnation never become public.

1987—Rita Hayworth Dies

American film actress and dancer Margarita Carmen Cansino, aka Rita Hayworth, who became her era’s greatest sex symbol and appeared in sixty-one films, including the iconic Gilda, dies of Alzheimer’s disease in her Manhattan apartment. Naturally shy, Hayworth was the antithesis of the characters she played. She married five times, but none lasted. In the end, she lived alone, cared for by her daughter who lived next door.

1960—Gary Cooper Dies

American film actor Gary Cooper, who harnessed an understated, often stoic style in numerous adventure films and westerns, including Sergeant York, For Whom the Bell Tolls, High Noon, and Alias Jesse James, dies of prostate, intestinal, lung and bone cancer. For his contributions to American cinema Cooper received a plaque on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and is considered one of top movie stars of all time.

1957—Von Stroheim Dies

German film director and actor Erich von Stroheim, who as an actor was noted for his arrogant Teutonic character parts which led him to become a renowned cinematic villain with the nickname “The Man You Love to Hate”, dies in Maurepas, France at the age of 71.

Art by Kirk Wilson for Harlan Ellison's juvenile delinquent collection The Deadly Streets.
Art by Sam Peffer, aka Peff, for Louis Charbonneau's 1963 novel The Trapped Ones.
Horwitz Books out of Australia used many celebrities on its covers. This one has Belgian actress Dominique Wilms.
Assorted James Bond hardback dust jackets from British publisher Jonathan Cape with art by Richard Chopping.

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