|Mondo Bizarro||Mar 14 2018|
Hard to believe National Enquirer launched in 1926, but it did. This issue hit newsstands today in 1965, and simultaneously hit a new low. While many questions arise, the main one for us is: Did these tabloids copy each other? Just a few months later Midnight published a story about a four-year-old giving birth, a tale we determined to be false. As always when it comes to these old tabloids we suggest that just because you can write a story doesn't mean you should. In terms of collective nouns, a group of dogs is called a pack, a group of whales is called a pod, and a group of senators is called a prostitute. What's the name for a group of tabloid editors? We suggest “perv.” We'll have more from National Enquirer and its perv of editors a bit later.
|Mondo Bizarro||Mar 9 2018|
If you can't quite determine what you're looking at we'll make it clear for you—it's a pile of severed hands. Fifty-four of them, in fact, which were found in a large bag in Russia yesterday on an island in the Amur River near Khabarovsk, close to the border with China.
The second photo, below, shows the hands organized into twenty-seven matched pairs by some unlucky member of the investigative team. It's this detail of the story that fascinates us. How did they match the hands? We would think all severed frozen hands look pretty much the same, and since fingerprints take time to process we can only guess the cops had someone along who was able to sort them out the way Dustin Hoffman could sort out scattered matches in Rainman.
Regardless, it has to be taken as moderately good news that twenty-seven rather than fifty-four people were potentially mutilated. Obviously nobody has the slightest idea how or why the hands were out there—though a trending theory has it that they were cut from accused thieves, and others are speculating that they were used for medical research, then bagged and illegally dumped. The second theory may be closer to the truth, since police allegedly found hospital accessories in the bag along with the grisly stash. Well, if medical personnel were responsible someone has clearly jettisoned their professional ethics. Not like that hasn't happened about a million times before. We suggest that the solution to this mystery could lie in locating a corresponding collection of feet, and if that's true, we know just where to start looking.
|Mondo Bizarro||Jan 8 2018|
And speaking of dismemberment, a trial has commenced in Detroit involving a body broker that violated federal laws related to handling cadavers. What exactly is a body broker? These businesses provide corpses to medical schools, medical seminars, and the like, and the rules are pretty strict for this unusual industry. But back in 2013 the FBI raided International Biological, Inc.'s warehouse because of complaints about the company peddling bodies and body parts infected with HIV, sepsis, and hepatitis. During the raid authorities found frozen clumps of heads, arms, legs, organs, and torsos, as well as masses of dead insects, and eventually were forced to separate the body parts with a pneumatic chisel. Some pieces were found in ordinary beer coolers, Tupperware, paint cans, 50-gallon drums, and even in a refrigerator next to ingredients for sandwiches.
Adding a domestic twist to this mess is the fact that the government's star witness, Elizabeth Rathburn, is the ex-wife of International Biological's owner Arthur Rathburn, just below, and we presume she's telling the jury Arthur was never good at cleaning up after himself—he never put the toilet seat down, he didn't wash dishes, and rarely if ever took out the garbage. And there's not much Arthur can say in his own defense. In fact, we bet his attorney won't even let him take the stand.
But if he does his ex-wife should perform the cross-examination. “So, sweetie, in addition to these being almost uncategorizably heinous crimes against people who in good faith donated their bodies to science, did I not fucking tell you to get off your ass and clean up that shithole?” And when Arthur denies that he's an untidy guy she can simply say, “Your honor, as proof Arthur has no idea when to get rid of garbage the prosecution would like to enter into evidence his mustache.” We have a feeling this trial is going to end very badly for him.
|Mondo Bizarro||Dec 13 2017|
|Mondo Bizarro||Dec 12 2017|
The saying goes that if guys had to have children humans would go extinct, but what would really happen is we men would immediately confer upon ourselves every possible birth related advantage. We're talking sixteen weeks paternity leave, laws that hold our jobs for us while we're away, Planned Parenthood clinics everywhere like Taco Bells, completely unfettered access to birth control, Father's Day a three-day weekend holiday in the summer, the whole nine. And childbirth would become macho: “Dude, when I gave birth I was like, fuck the epidural. I wanna feel this shit. Seriously, what kind of girly-man uses anesthesia? I had a friend, he did it without painkillers, he said when the contractions got bad he bit down on a bullet. Me, I had my buddies there and they were all screaming, "Crown motherfucker! Crown motherfucker!” I was like, "Yo Doc, am I delivering a baby or a basketball?" But when it really started to hurt I just headlocked the neonatologist and choked him out.
|Mondo Bizarro||Nov 10 2017|
This image of her chest was made by a radiology resident, and when that student later became a doctor and taught at the school he would show this to his students, which we guess was a good way to keep them interested during a lecture. Eventually the scan “migrated” into private hands (those of the doctor's daughter), and it went up forauction and sold for $45,000 in 2010. That makes us about seven years late on this story, but the image so interested us we thought we'd post it anyway. If beauty were measured this way we have a funny feeling Monroe would still set the standard.
|Mondo Bizarro||Jul 24 2017|
We know you've probably been wondering how our old friend Caius Veiovis has been doing since landing in supermax for three 2011 murder-dismemberments. We finally have an update for you. His appeal for a new trial was denied last week by the Massachusetts Supreme Court. In seeking a do-over, Veiovis's lawyers claimed that the trial judge abused his discretion in admitting evidence and that this had the effect of prejudicing the jury. Which is interesting, because the jury probably assumed Veiovis vivisected nuns. When they learned he only cut a teenager's back open with a razor and kissed his girlfriend while licking the blood, it probably improved his standing in their eyes. The jury also learned that Veiovis possessed anatomical manuals detailing surgical and amputation procedures. In the end the appeals panel voted 3-2 against a new trial.
You're probably curious as to why the vote was so close. It's not because two of the panel were visited by an avatar of Satan who threatened an eternity of red hot branding irons in their eye sockets if they didn't vote for retrial, but because the case against Veiovis was circumstantial. There were no witnesses that testified to his involvement, no incriminating statements from Veiovis himself, and there was no forensic evidence linking him to the scenes. So unless Veiovis is simply so scary nobody will cross him (possible), and that same avatar of Satan windexed his DNA from the crime scenes (not likely), it indeed looks at least somewhat possible prejudice may have had a hand in his conviction. Which must have been a real shocker for him, because when he got those horns implanted and that 666 tattooed on his forehead he couldn't possibly have been expected to anticipate any negative effects. Back then, he probably thought it was a good look for Saturday nights at the goth club.
So Veiovis is back in supermax serving his full sentence of life, but with a narrow appeal decision the case could actually be taken up by the federal courts. Veoivis's lawyer believes the misconduct in the trial sets a precedent allowing anything creepy about a defendant to be admitted as evidence, even if it has nothing to do with the case. We'd argue that drinking blood from a sixteen-year-old's back lacerations and studying dismemberment are relevant to a murder-dismemberment case, but his lawyer does have a point. A guy like Veiovis is almost guaranteed to have incriminating items around his place. If it hadn't been medical books, it might have been a copy of American Psycho or a bunch of Electric Hellfire Club albums. A slippery slope indeed. Though Veiovis lost this round, at least he's learning not to make himself look worse than he already does. When he was convicted of the 2011 murders he screamed to the jury: “I'll see you all in hell! Remember that! Every fucking one of you! I'll see you all in hell!” This time he let the bailiffs lead him quietly away.
|Mondo Bizarro||Jul 12 2017|
This issue of Midnight published today in 1967 has a cover that's the opposite of the last one we shared, which was about the world's youngest mother. This one has the world's oldest mother, and goes for the double tabloid whammy by adding an underaged father to the mix. According to the sources we checked, the oldest pregnancy confirmed by birth records occurred at age 70, a feat shared by three women, all of them, weirdly, from India. So this cover is not only untrue, but because it's fiction it casts doubt upon the previous claim from Midnight about the world youngest mom. We already knew that, though. Still, we do hope to be getting it on at eighty-six. Chances are slim, but it's a worthy goal.
|Mondo Bizarro||Jul 1 2017|
A Minnesota woman has been charged with second degree manslaughter this week after fatally shooting her boyfriend in the chest with a 50-calibre Desert Eagle handgun. Monalisa Perez and Pedro Ruiz wanted to be YouTube stars, and in a bid to increase viewership of their channel about being teen parents had conceived a stunt where Ruiz would stop a bullet with an encyclopedia held to his chest. Perez had posted on social media earlier in the day that it was her boyfriend's idea, but of course there's nothing in the posting to suggest she had doubts the crazy idea would work. Firing from a foot away, Perez ventilated her boyfriend as their three-year-old child and thirty neighbors watched.
The couple should have read the encyclopedia instead of shooting it. If they had turned to the entry marked “handguns,” they'd have learned that a 50-calibre Desert Eagle is about as powerful as a sidearm gets, and its round will go through a refrigerator. Turn past the handgun part and there's an entry on “hearts,” which explains that because it's one of the body's primary organs and people generally can't live without an intact one, any stunt that puts it at risk is idiotic by definition. And beyond that section there's the entry “hubris,” which would be defined as excessive self confidence, often leading to one looking like an ignoramus. In this instance a dead one. Yes, we know it's not really a joking matter. But we aren't joking—there's real value in reading, and we highly recommend it.
|Mondo Bizarro||Jun 21 2017|
This issue of the tabloid Midnight was published today in 1965, and as you can see the cover touts a story about a girl who gave birth at age four. Her name is Nang Rwan and she's supposedly from the town of Naung-nga-yan, Burma (now Myanmar). Midnight scribes Leroy Hansen and David Lee tell readers that Rwan is a member of the Pa'O ethnic group, a people whose girls are known for early fertility, like ten years old. But fertility at four is extreme even for the Pa'O, which led village elders to consider her early period to be a gift from the gods. Because of this, even though everyone admits Rwan was raped, and this criminal still walks among them because they have no idea who did it, their belief is that the child is a god-king destined to lead the Pa'O to prosperity and happiness.